I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it hurts more in the daytime
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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