people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
