I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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