i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
