Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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