So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
