He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
