your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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