I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
