Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
