I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
