fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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