Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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