The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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