I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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