Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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