I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
