there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
