I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize