FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
