I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize