dude i'm inner monologue high
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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