i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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