If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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