oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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