"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
