He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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