I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Come see our sink grown plant.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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