I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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