3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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