Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
