I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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