You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
