I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
