hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
