my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
