When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
