I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
