don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
