My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
