Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
