Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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