Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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