I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
