Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
