everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
