smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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