Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
