I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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