Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
