just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
