Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
