Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Pants are for mortals
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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