chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
