Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize